​Hellish Heaven vs Heavenly Hell​

'The Pilgrim's Progress' by John Bunyan describes the protagonist's visionary journey through life to reach heaven - the celestial city.

The 'Divine Comedy' by Dante Alighieri describes protagonist's visionary journey through Inferno (Hell), Purgatory, and Paradise (Heaven).

For many years now I have been a non-practising Christian and now have reached almost to the stage of a lapsed Christian. And I fear that if the descent (or ascent?) continues, I shall cross the line that separates a lapsed religionist from an atheist. What, therefore, bothers me is that while Heaven is the final destination for good religionists and Hell for bad or nonpracticing religionists, an atheist has nowhere to go to in the afterlife. I, therefore, wondered, 'Why not make a premature short visit to Heaven and Hell and then based on the first hand experience, do a course correction, if need be?'

But I needed God's and Satan's permission for a temporary visit to the places that are meant for afterlife residency. To tech-savvy Satan, I requested through 'skype'. He readily agreed and asked me to 'WhatsApp' him my itinerary. I sent my request to God through snail-mail because He doesn't have a mobile phone handset and because Heaven's internet server was down. He agreed to my request somewhat hesitatingly.

On the agreed date and time, I knocked at the Pearly Gate and waited. A large board at the side of the gate showed prominently the composition of the population of Heaven. It showed Indians at the top followed by Pakistanis, Bangladeshis and then others in descending order. God appeared. He explained that He loved the people of Indian sub-continent because they - whether Hindu, Muslim, Christian, Sikh or of any other faith - worship Him everyday & any-day; all the time & anytime; everywhere & anywhere; in any shape and size & in every shape and size. He loves them because they build God Houses (temples, mosques, churches etc.) on any land they can lay claim to - in the park; in the middle of a highway; on encroached land or on grabbed land. He loves them because they disrupt life and traffic throughout the year by taking out processions in His glory. He does not mind whole of the sub-continent being turned into a gigantic garbage dump and toilet as long as they maintain the houses built in His glory.

God, who has brought an old Ambassador car for the tour, told me sheepishly that He could not get any decent car because all the car manufacturers went to Hell. Heaven is a chaotic place with faithfull of every hue jostling for space; temples, mosques, gurudwaras, churches etc jutting out from every nook and corner; dilapidated houses; desolate landscape; no civic amenities; and so on. There was filth everywhere. The place reminded me of my India. God explained that Heaven is the spiritual destination of followers of every faith. Therefore, those who make it to Heaven are concerned more about the spiritual health of their souls than about their materialistic surroundings. 'What about the mounds of filth?', I asked. God's reply was that the so-called upper caste inmates of Heaven consider it demeaning to do menial work. Moreover, the so-called lower castes who used to do such work on Earth went to Hell because, supposedly, traditions do not allow them entry into Heaven. At one of our stops, someone came and murmured something in God's ears, at which God said with a sigh of relief that the tour has to be terminated because in another quarter followers of three faiths are engaged in a violent fight over a piece of land. So I took leave of God, exited Heaven and headed for Hell.

Satan was waiting at the Gate of Hell with his gleaming Merc SUV. The large board outside the gate showed the composition of the population of Hell. Americans, Germans, British, Spanish, Portuguese, Japanese topped the list. I remembered Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan, our country, World War I & II, the genocide of natives of North and South America and was glad that Hell remains true to its reputation. Satan noticed my glee and winked. My jaw dropped when I first sighted Hell from a vantage point. It was like the Celestial City described in 'The Pilgrim's Progress'. Smartly attired men and women busy with their assigned work or chores; children studying or playing; wide tree-lined avenues; smart residential dwellings; neat and clean; beautiful shining cars on the road. How can Hell be like this?, I wondered aloud. With a satanic smile, Satan explained that this God in Heaven is a cunning old fox, who had nearly succeeded in keeping the mankind ignorant by ordering Adam and Eve not to eat the fruit of knowledge, but thanks to his timely intervention God's nefarious design failed. However, Satan hissed, God did succeed in keeping the considerable percentage of Earth's population in His thrall to fulfil His insatiable thirst for self-glory. That was Satan at his satanic best. Time to flee.